I heard myself saying to someone today that “most people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation”. To be sure, forgiveness can facilitate reconciliation and true reconciliation sometimes is not possible without forgiveness. However, forgiveness is not reconciliation.
The statement I made was in response to my interlocutor’s complaint that he finds himself hurt again and again by the same people after forgiving them. He said that he forgives easily because he cannot hold grudges in his heart. My interlocutor was saying, in other words, that his forgiving heart exposes him to being hurt repeatedly.
I think of forgiveness as disposition or willingness to pardon an offense or an offender. It is more a matter of one’s attitude or inner disposition. This view of forgiveness is implied in the Lord Jesus’ reply to Peter’s question: “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy -seven times.” (Matthew 18:21) Unless one’s inner disposition is such that he is willing to pardon, forgiving even only up to seven times would be real struggle, let alone seventy-seven times -it is significant that there is no reference to my brother asking for forgiveness in the verse.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the act of bringing to acquiescence or bring into agreement or harmony or the process of making compatible. Whilst the idea of forgiveness presupposes offense, reconciliation does not, necessarily. Reconciliation presupposes disagreement, even and often without causing offense.
I see the concept of reconciliation in the question God asked the people of Israel in Amos 3:3: “Do two walk together unless they agreed to do so?” The verse is about compatibility. Friends agree to walk together.
With this distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation in mind, I remarked that most people believe that restoring friendship or broken fellowship on account of offense is evidence of forgiveness. No wonder that, like my interlocutor, such people complain of being hurt repeatedly by the same people….
See, forgiving someone does not necessarily mean restoring friendship with the one. It simply means ceasing to feel resentment against the offender. I have to forgive for my own sake in order to be able to move on and not waist time on the offense lest it destroys me. I have to forgive in order not to fall victim to the devil’s schemes (2Corinthians 2:10, 11).
Friendship and fellowship can only be safely restored where there is reconciliation, or agreement to walk together, which suggests compatibility of view, value, and attitude.
When I reached home after exchanging with my interlocutor, I find my thoughts drifting to my relationship with God. It dawned on me that most often we are more concerned about God’s forgiveness than being reconciled daily to Him. It is as if we think that asking God to forgive us is what brings us back into friendship or fellowship with him. Repentance or agreeing with God is what brings us into friendship with Him. God can forgive us, and he does, and chooses not to be our friend because he knows that our simply asking his forgiveness does not necessarily mean the commitment and willingness to walk with Him.
We all need to be as shrewd (wise) as snakes and as innocent as dove in the world (Matthew 10:16) and pursue friendship with God.
Lord help us aim at agreeing to walk with you daily and grant us the grace to be forgiving and the wisdom to avoid falling into Satan’s schemes.
